Sort of ironic that I labeled my first post "Life". And now I'm here discussing death.
I learned a really hard lesson today. A good friend of mine passed away on Friday, but I just found out about it this morning when I tried contacting him. Obviously that was terrible news to hear, and I was really upset. And I felt horrible because the previous Thursday & Friday I kept feeling like I should contact him, but I made every excuse in the book not to do so. So when I heard that he actually died on Friday, I became even more upset because I should have had at least one last chance to talk to him. But I still wasn't sure how he'd died. We lived about 3 hours away from each other, and because we were still getting to know each other I had never met any of his friends and family, so there wasn't anyone I felt comfortable just calling and asking. I went to his facebook page and noticed that there were a girl that seemed to be informing everyone else of what had happened, so I messaged her. It turns out that he took his own life on Friday.
I *know* that this isn't my fault. I do. But I can't stop feeling so guilty that I didn't follow through with my prompting! The big "what if" can't get out of my head. What if all he needed was one more person during those last days to know that he had a lot of people who cared? And he definitely had a lot of us! His facebook page is covered with people sharing thoughts/memories/prayers for him. What if he could still be here today if I had contacted him then? People keep saying that once a person has decided to take their own life that there's not anything anyone else can do to change that. I call BS. True, it may be like that often, but not always. I've known people who have been about to commit suicide but have backed out because at the last moment they realized there was someone there who cared. What if that was all he needed?
If there's someone in your life that you need to say something to, say it. If there's something you feel like you should do, do it. You never know when it may be too late; when you will lose that person. He was such a great guy. Even though I didn't know him for very long and we only got the chance to see each other in person twice, he has definitely influenced my life for the better and I have some many great memories of our late night conversations.
James, you will be missed buddy. I know we weren't as close as either of us wanted to be, but you're still an amazing friend. Love you! And every time I eat a peanut butter M&M, I'll eat one for you as well. R.I.P.