Merry Christmas! 2012

Merry Christmas! 2012

Friday, December 14, 2012

Dear Jamey

Dear Jamey,

Wow. I cannot believe how much I miss you. I am having a really hard time accepting what's happened. Especially since Facebook keeps tricking me. About half of the time that I've logged on it shows me that you're accessing FB through your phone. Who knows, maybe a family member is reading through all the messages that are being left for you. And I should know better, but every time I see it I can't help but think "It was just a nightmare! He's still alive!" You have no idea how many times I've picked up my phone to send you a funny text, only to remember you'll never receive it.

I won't be able to attend your service today. But I really wish I could be there, to show support for the many family and friends that are missing you like crazy. And I wish I could be there to hear the things that are said about you. Because in reality, I still don't know you - and I'll never get that chance. We didn't really know each other all that long. Just since last summer. And with living 3 hours apart, it wasn't super easy to just get together and go do something. But thank heavens for technology! Of course we would have never even met without it! I loved all our crazy random texts, phone calls, e-mails, IMs. The way we could sit and talk for hours. And I really mean hours. I remember that first night we officially met, we sat in the car and talked until 4 a.m. Who does that?! Apparently we do. And the other time we went out, it was the same story. Hours and hours of talking. Same story before we even officially ever met. You would write your novel length emails, and I'd do the same in return. I don't think I've ever met anyone that I was able to talk with that freely and openly. We never ran out of things to discuss!

So why can't I figure out what I want to say right now? Like I said, I've had a hard time accepting that you're gone. A friend suggested writing you a letter, to tell you all the things that I didn't get the chance to say. But what should I say? What would I really say to you if I had the opportunity to talk to you one more time? What absolutely kills me is that all day Thursday and Friday, I wanted to talk to you. And I made every excuse in the book why it could wait a few more days. Why in the hell did I wait?! Would it have made any difference? What would we have talked about? Would we have come up with a plan to get together again to finally do any of those crazy things we always joked about doing the next time? Could I have seen you one last time? Would that have made this week any easier on me? Or would it have made it even harder, knowing that I'd just talked to you?

You were such a great guy. And so young! I know I liked to tease you about your old age, just like you teased me for being a baby. But you were definitely too young to have left this world already. You really had a great impact on my life. I'm not sure if you'd ever listened to the music from Wicked (because I realized yesterday that somehow, in all our conversations, we never ended up discussing music), but there's a song called "For Good" that now reminds me of you.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led 
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
It well may be 
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-wrtten mine
By being my friend...
Who can say if I've been 
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been 
Changed for the better
And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

And I really believe I have been changed for the better because I knew you, as absolutely cheesy as that may sound. You were such a great friend when I really needed one. You were so open and honest and nonjudgmental. You could say the weirdest, most random, most off the wall things that would make me laugh and just forget the world for awhile. You were always so funny! I can't even remember what exactly it was, but I know that you were the one I confided in for somethings that were seriously bugging me in my life. And you made me feel better. About myself, about life, about the stresses I was facing as a newly single parent attempting to brave the waters of the dating pool again. You'll never know how important some of our talks were to me. I really should have told you. But I thought I had years to do so. And now, you're gone. And I can't wrap my head around it. I miss you. I miss you so, so much.

There are now so many things that remind me of you. And even though I am insanely sad at the moment, and probably still will be for quite sometime, when I see the random things that make me think of you I can't help but smile. Would you believe me that if I told you right now, right this very second, I have a bowl of peanut butter M&Ms sitting on my counter? Not almond...peanut butter! I bought them after the last time we talked. {Yikes, whole new flood of tears. I had forgotten that was our last conversation.} But there they are, and even though they're not the best, they are still good. I've decided they're in the Top 3. Another thing that reminds me of you is the movie "The Other Side of Heaven" because of your time in Tonga and all the time you spent preparing to go last year. When you first started telling me about your plans to go to Tonga last fall, I could picture the locals calling you Kolipoki and so that became my nickname for you (though I don't think I ever shared that with you).

I still don't know if I've said what I wanted to say or what I would have said if I'd had one last chance to actually talk to you. But I do feel a little better having written what I did today. I hope that you're feeling better; that you're free from all your worries, troubles, doubts, fears, and pains. I used to have this picture in my head of what heaven is like; I hope it's as good for you as I imagined it would be. And I guess this is the part where I say the goodbye that I didn't have the chance to say earlier. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for our conversations. Thank you for the laughs. And thank you for the tears. Mostly, thank you for allowing me to be in your life and have you in mine the last several months. I miss you like crazy. I will never forget you. Love you, Jamey. God be with you 'til we meet again.


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