Dear Jamey

Dear Jamey,

Wow. I cannot believe how much I miss you. I am having a really hard time accepting what's happened. Especially since Facebook keeps tricking me. About half of the time that I've logged on it shows me that you're accessing FB through your phone. Who knows, maybe a family member is reading through all the messages that are being left for you. And I should know better, but every time I see it I can't help but think "It was just a nightmare! He's still alive!" You have no idea how many times I've picked up my phone to send you a funny text, only to remember you'll never receive it.

I won't be able to attend your service today. But I really wish I could be there, to show support for the many family and friends that are missing you like crazy. And I wish I could be there to hear the things that are said about you. Because in reality, I still don't know you - and I'll never get that chance. We didn't really know each other all that long. Just since last summer. And with living 3 hours apart, it wasn't super easy to just get together and go do something. But thank heavens for technology! Of course we would have never even met without it! I loved all our crazy random texts, phone calls, e-mails, IMs. The way we could sit and talk for hours. And I really mean hours. I remember that first night we officially met, we sat in the car and talked until 4 a.m. Who does that?! Apparently we do. And the other time we went out, it was the same story. Hours and hours of talking. Same story before we even officially ever met. You would write your novel length emails, and I'd do the same in return. I don't think I've ever met anyone that I was able to talk with that freely and openly. We never ran out of things to discuss!

So why can't I figure out what I want to say right now? Like I said, I've had a hard time accepting that you're gone. A friend suggested writing you a letter, to tell you all the things that I didn't get the chance to say. But what should I say? What would I really say to you if I had the opportunity to talk to you one more time? What absolutely kills me is that all day Thursday and Friday, I wanted to talk to you. And I made every excuse in the book why it could wait a few more days. Why in the hell did I wait?! Would it have made any difference? What would we have talked about? Would we have come up with a plan to get together again to finally do any of those crazy things we always joked about doing the next time? Could I have seen you one last time? Would that have made this week any easier on me? Or would it have made it even harder, knowing that I'd just talked to you?

You were such a great guy. And so young! I know I liked to tease you about your old age, just like you teased me for being a baby. But you were definitely too young to have left this world already. You really had a great impact on my life. I'm not sure if you'd ever listened to the music from Wicked (because I realized yesterday that somehow, in all our conversations, we never ended up discussing music), but there's a song called "For Good" that now reminds me of you.

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led 

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them
And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you...

...
It well may be 

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me

Like a hand print on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-wrtten mine

By being my friend...

...

Who can say if I've been 

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been 

Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good...

And I really believe I have been changed for the better because I knew you, as absolutely cheesy as that may sound. You were such a great friend when I really needed one. You were so open and honest and nonjudgmental. You could say the weirdest, most random, most off the wall things that would make me laugh and just forget the world for awhile. You were always so funny! I can't even remember what exactly it was, but I know that you were the one I confided in for somethings that were seriously bugging me in my life. And you made me feel better. About myself, about life, about the stresses I was facing as a newly single parent attempting to brave the waters of the dating pool again. You'll never know how important some of our talks were to me. I really should have told you. But I thought I had years to do so. And now, you're gone. And I can't wrap my head around it. I miss you. I miss you so, so much.

There are now so many things that remind me of you. And even though I am insanely sad at the moment, and probably still will be for quite sometime, when I see the random things that make me think of you I can't help but smile. Would you believe me that if I told you right now, right this very second, I have a bowl of peanut butter M&Ms sitting on my counter? Not almond...peanut butter! I bought them after the last time we talked. {Yikes, whole new flood of tears. I had forgotten that was our last conversation.} But there they are, and even though they're not the best, they are still good. I've decided they're in the Top 3. Another thing that reminds me of you is the movie "The Other Side of Heaven" because of your time in Tonga and all the time you spent preparing to go last year. When you first started telling me about your plans to go to Tonga last fall, I could picture the locals calling you Kolipoki and so that became my nickname for you (though I don't think I ever shared that with you).

I still don't know if I've said what I wanted to say or what I would have said if I'd had one last chance to actually talk to you. But I do feel a little better having written what I did today. I hope that you're feeling better; that you're free from all your worries, troubles, doubts, fears, and pains. I used to have this picture in my head of what heaven is like; I hope it's as good for you as I imagined it would be. And I guess this is the part where I say the goodbye that I didn't have the chance to say earlier. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for our conversations. Thank you for the laughs. And thank you for the tears. Mostly, thank you for allowing me to be in your life and have you in mine the last several months. I miss you like crazy. I will never forget you. Love you, Jamey. God be with you 'til we meet again.

-Chelle

Death

Sort of ironic that I labeled my first post "Life". And now I'm here discussing death.

I learned a really hard lesson today. A good friend of mine passed away on Friday, but I just found out about it this morning when I tried contacting him. Obviously that was terrible news to hear, and I was really upset. And I felt horrible because the previous Thursday & Friday I kept feeling like I should contact him, but I made every excuse in the book not to do so. So when I heard that he actually died on Friday, I became even more upset because I should have had at least one last chance to talk to him. But I still wasn't sure how he'd died. We lived about 3 hours away from each other, and because we were still getting to know each other I had never met any of his friends and family, so there wasn't anyone I felt comfortable just calling and asking. I went to his facebook page and noticed that there were a girl that seemed to be informing everyone else of what had happened, so I messaged her. It turns out that he took his own life on Friday.

I *know* that this isn't my fault. I do. But I can't stop feeling so guilty that I didn't follow through with my prompting! The big "what if" can't get out of my head. What if all he needed was one more person during those last days to know that he had a lot of people who cared? And he definitely had a lot of us! His facebook page is covered with people sharing thoughts/memories/prayers for him. What if he could still be here today if I had contacted him then? People keep saying that once a person has decided to take their own life that there's not anything anyone else can do to change that. I call BS. True, it may be like that often, but not always. I've known people who have been about to commit suicide but have backed out because at the last moment they realized there was someone there who cared. What if that was all he needed?

If there's someone in your life that you need to say something to, say it. If there's something you feel like you should do, do it. You never know when it may be too late; when you will lose that person. He was such a great guy. Even though I didn't know him for very long and we only got the chance to see each other in person twice, he has definitely influenced my life for the better and I have some many great memories of our late night conversations.

James, you will be missed buddy. I know we weren't as close as either of us wanted to be, but you're still an amazing friend. Love you! And every time I eat a peanut butter M&M, I'll eat one for you as well. R.I.P.

Life

Well, I recently got internet connected at my new place. So it seems right to start up this blog again. Starting over with pretty much everything.

I've often heard that if you wanna make God laugh, make plans. God definitely has a sense of humor! Every time I have made a plan in the last 19 months something's come along to mess it up. But I think I'm finally getting a bit better at rolling with the punches. At least I feel that way.

So, what have I been up to in the last 19 months? Honestly...not a whole lot. In fact, it is a little surprising to me that so much time has already passed since I made the huge decision to take my kids and start a new life without the ex.  I definitely miss Rexburg. I know a lot of people can't wait to get out of there once they're done with college, but I would go back in a heartbeat if the ex didn't live there. I have so many wonderful memories of that place, and it's such a fun little town! I don't know, maybe I miss it so much because of the people I met there. But I do miss it. A lot. Especially right now.

Anywho. When I finally realized I needed out I was blessed with amazing parents who let me move in with them. Letting your grown-up child move back in with you is one thing, but when she has 3 little ones in tow? Now that's huge. But we needed it, my and my little munchkins. They adjusted to life with just one parent much easier than I'd anticipated and I truly believe that was because we were surrounded by my family. Not only did the boys suddenly have grandparents who were constantly there, but also aunts, uncles, and cousins. We all needed the support and I will be eternally grateful for it. Not to say there weren't still hard times afterwards - I think everyone is grateful that I'm back in my own place. The boys included. They still love going to grandma's, but they love our new home.

We moved into our place at the beginning of October. Originally I thought it was going to be a short, somewhat temporary move so I actually still have LOTS to unpack. Last week I found out that I can stay here longer than we originally thought. So once all the Christmas decorations come down in December, I get to finally really make this place my home. I probably won't do a whole lot to it, but I am so, so tempted to paint a few of the walls! Anyone wanna help?! ;) Please?! :)

That is more or less our update of the past 19 months. I have a lot on my mind, but it's all kerbabbled and it's late so I should head to bed. Bonus 10 points if you know where I got the word kerbabbled. Good night!

-Chelle